


the trial of Cheryl Blossom

by Anonymous



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Aromantic Asexual Jughead Jones, Asexual Jughead Jones, Courtroom Drama, Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, Legal Drama, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-18 02:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14203548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Jughead Jones' determination to avoid physical intimacy eventually ends up with him defending Cheryl Blossom in a court of law for arson and attempted murderA bad riverdale parody





	the trial of Cheryl Blossom

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a long time ago (last summer) and forgot about it. So here it is.

“I hear you’re looking at 25 to life.”

Cheryl’s eyes go wide.

“What? No one told me that!”

“They didn’t? Oh. Wow. Someone should probably have told you that. Arson is a pretty big deal.” Jughead says.

“How did you even get in here?” Cheryl snaps from her cell.

Jughead shrugs.

“Sheriff Keller’s gone and there was no one at the front desk so I just kind of walked in.” He pauses. “I come here a lot.”

“ _Why_ did you even get in here?”

Jughead shrugs again. He scratches his head through his beanie.

“I was here to visit my dad but then I got sidetracked. By you.”

Cheryl knits her brows.

“Are you hitting on me?”

“No. Anyway, good luck with your case.”

“What good luck? I don’t even have a _lawyer_.”

Jughead looks genuinely surprised.

“Really? But your mother’s the richest person in town.”

“Who do you think’s pressing charges, genius?”

“Wow. That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

“Want me to be your lawyer?” He asks.

“What? Why? Who…what?”

Jughead’s not really sure why. He’s pretty bored. Plus Betty’s getting really horny and he’s terrified that he’s actually going to have to have sex with her at some point. He’s pretty sure she’s on the verge of figuring out that he hired the Southside Serpents to show up at his dad’s trailer to interrupt them just before they actually went to bed together. This’ll give him a good excuse to avoid his beautiful girlfriend’s affections.

“I’m a good Samaritan.” He finally says.

“You’ve never been to law school. You’re a _fif_ _teen year old high school student for God’s sake_.”

“Cheryl, we live in a town where everyone knows everyone, and yet is somehow big enough to have a southside, those penthouses where the Lodges live, and two school districts. You and Veronica vacillate wildly between being friends and enemies. Is Archie still wrestling with the choice between music and sports? Fuck if I know. There’s no way the Lodges moving to town, your brother’s body being discovered, the memorial, the drive in closing, my birthday, me and Betty getting together, the tree-tapping thing, and your dad hanging himself all happened within a month or two. It’s a chronological impossibility. My point is, _nothing makes any goddamn sense around here_. So I’ll ask again. Do you want me to be your lawyer?”

Cheryl thinks for a moment. He _is_ actually making some decent points.

“Yeah. Sure. Fine. Whatever.”

* * *

Jughead goes to see the town’s judge. Who is also Pop Tate. It’s a small town. But apparently big enough to have two school districts. Eh. Whatever.

Pop/Judge Tate is cleaning off his counter when Jughead walks in.

“Hey, Pop. Can I be Cheryl Blossom’s lawyer in the upcoming trial?” Pop Tate grumbles something and Jughead is pretty sure he didn’t actually hear the question. “Is that a yes?” More mumbling. “Can you just say yes?”

“Yes.”

“Cool.”

Jughead adjusts his beanie and leaves.

* * *

“Hey Juggy.” Betty purrs, sliding her arms around Jughead’s neck. He stiffens immediately. Her breath is hot against the back of his neck. “I’m cold.” She goes on. “Come to bed with me?”

“I can’t” Jughead responds, struggling to hide his terror. “I have to become an expert in the American legal system by next Friday.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I’m representing Cheryl Blossom in the upcoming case _Blossom v Blossom_. It’s very important and I need complete concentration.”

“Jughead.” Betty begins, distressed. “You haven’t touched me in weeks. I’m starting to feel…unwanted. Don’t you still like me?” Jughead turns around to look his girlfriend in the face. Her big, ocean-blue eyes glisten with tears. She nibbles her lower lip.

He places his hands on her shoulders.

“Betty. Sweetheart. I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

She turns around and storms away in a huff.

Jughead goes back to reading the novelization of _American Werewolf in London_ , brilliantly concealed inside a book on the legal classification of attempted homicides.

* * *

 

The trial comes sooner than expected.

Cheryl and Jughead are both late. That’s odd, considering Cheryl is in a jail cell and has absolutely no choice on where she goes or when she goes. But if anyone is capable of obstructing the court system, it’s Cheryl Blossom.

Jughead stumbles through the door of the courthouse carrying a stack of papers. Photographs and spaghetti spill from his pockets. Despite his being dressed in a tuxedo, he still wears his ratty beanie. The room is absolutely packed. It seems all of Riverdale is in attendance.

Archie, Veronica, Kevin, and Betty turn to look at him.

FP Jones, inexplicably released for a few days to watch Jughead’s first case, flashes a thumbs up.

Penelope Blossom, the plaintiff, glares at him.

Pop Tate dozes away in his black robe.

“Sorry I’m late.” Jughead gasps as he slides into a seat next to Cheryl.

“Did you prepare for this?” She hisses back.

“I went over the Wikipedia page on arson like twelve times. Relax, we’ll be fine.”

“Cheryl Blossom, you are being charged with first degree arson and attempted murder. How do you plead?”

“Guilty.” She says. The courtroom gasps. Jughead leans over and whispers something in her ear. “Fuck. I mean, the other one.” She corrects.

“Motion to strike the first thing she said from the record?” Jughead asks.

“That’s not how motions work, Mr. Jones.” Judge Tate says.

“Oh. Can we strike that first thing she said from the record.”

“Sure.”

“Okay…first I’d like to see the evidence arrayed against my client.” Jughead says.

Penelope Blossom leaps to her feet.

“I put seventeen years of maternal love and affection into that little demon and this is how she repays me?” She shrieks. “I saw her pick up a damn candelabras and set a puddle of gasoline alight with it! How’s that for evidence?”

“Objection!” Jughead shouts. “Hearsay!”

“There’s also the fact that she was found soaked in gasoline and repeatedly chanted ‘I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it’ in a state of delirium when brought in.” Penelope’s lawyer offers.

“As you said.” Jughead retorts. “She was in a state of delirium. Therefore nothing she says in such a state can be taken as serious evidence.”

“Yeah. I’m an unreliable source of information.” Cheryl says.

“We also found a journal with ‘I’m going to burn down Thornhill' written in permanent markers sixty times over three pages.”

“Forgery.” Jughead says.

“Can I just state-“ Cheryl starts.

“No, you may not.” Judge Tate cuts in.

“That Thornhill was my home!” Cheryl goes on, unabated. “I grew up within those walls. Burning it down would have been like burning a piece of myself! Not to mention destroying what was left of Jason!”

“I wish you’d died instead of Jason.” Penelope snaps.

“Me too.” Cheryl sobs.

“Motion to ban any further mentions of Jason Blossom in this courtroom!” Veronica Lodge cries out.

“Miss Lodge, you _can’t make motions!”_

“If Jason was here, he’d back me up.” Cheryl says.

“Is it too late to add incest to the list of charges?” Penelope asks.

“It doesn’t count if he pulled out!” Cheryl protests.

The courtroom falls silent. Jughead writes something down in a notepad. Someone coughs.

“I’m ordering the last thirty seconds stricken from the record.” Judge Tate pronounces.

“Oh thank God.” Jughead breathes. “Anyway, I’d like to call my first witness to the stand.”

“You can-“

“Archie Andrews, get up here.”

“What?” Archie looks like a deer in headlights. He sinks lower into his seat.

“Get up here Arch, come on.” Jughead commands.

Archie reluctantly stands and makes his way to the stand.

“Uh…well…I wasn’t actually there.”

“But you know Cheryl, don’t you?”

“Well...I guess. I mean…not super well, bu-“

“Does she really seem like the type of person who would burn down a house?”

“Well, actu-“ Jughead gives him that _Archie you little shit don’t you screw this up_ look. “No.” Archie says. “Absolutely not. She’s the last person who would do something like that. Not even after the various threats and random hurtful comments she constantly makes against me and my friends.”

Cheryl blows Archie a kiss.

“The defense rests.” Jughead says.

Penelope’s lawyer stands.

“We have a mountain of overwhelming evidence, chemical, psychological, genetic, written, and recorded in nature, that prove beyond a reasonable doubt th-“

“Yeah, we don’t really have time for any of that.” Judge Tate cuts in. “It’s almost lunch time.” He says, pulling back the billowing sleeve of his Judge’s robe to look at his watch. “I think Jones made a pretty good case. This court finds Cheryl Blossom not guilty.” He begins groping around beneath his bench. “Where’s my damn gavel?”

Cheryl and Jughead and precisely no one else cheer.

“Then who burned down Thornhill?” Someone asks from the gallery.

“Hmm? Oh.” Judge Tate says. “I don’t know, can we just blame Ms. Grundy for it? No one likes her, right? Show of hands?” Every hand in the courtroom, save for Archie’s and Penelope’s, goes up. After a few moments, Archie’s hand slowly goes up as well. “This court finds Jennifer Gibson, aka Geraldine Grundy, guilty of arson in the first degree, and sentences her to die in the electric chair.” Judge Tate pronounces, despite the fact that the electric chair has not been used for several years and that this was not a capital offense.

Without warning, Cheryl turns to Jughead and kisses him squarely on the mouth.

“Oh, Jughead. You did it! I got away with it!”

“Wait, you actually did do it?”

“Uh…do you want to be my boyfriend?” Cheryl asks quickly.

Jughead steals a look at Betty, who waves expectantly and winks seductively at him.

“Do I have to have sex with you?”

“Not unless you can do a very convincing impression of Jason.” Cheryl assures him.

“Great. Let’s do this.”

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Except for Ms. Grundy, who was executed two weeks later without trial.


End file.
